Big White Room
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: He's going crazy sitting in this big white room for something he didn't do. Or did he? SLASH. Warnings in side.


**Title: Big White Room**

**Rating: M **

**Warnings: I'm just going to get this out of the way for possible **_**things**_** in future chapters. Rape (oral & anal), abuse (phyiscal, verbal, mental), Drug use, Swearing, Slash ( loving), Sex (), Suicide, Child molestation, Bullying, Detailed Torture, Murder, Character Death, Homophobia, Racial Slurs, Self-harm, Eating Disorders, Varies sexual situations which may or may not include (Including: DP [Double penetration], Facials, rimming, toys, RP, fisting, BDSM, possible threesomes, foursomes, manhandling, EA [Erotic Axsfixiation], fingering, cumswallowing, anal, and oral sex) Whewww think that covers what may be happening. Anything I write that's not here will be properly labeled at the beginning of the chapter. **

**Summary: He's going crazy sitting in this big white room for something he didn't do. Or did he? SLASH. Warnings in side. **

**A/N: This is the prologue for an epic story to come. This is an exremely dark story... darker than Love Each Day it's going to explore everything from trauma, torture, crime, suspense, and other things. This story is about how your world can turn upside down in the blink of an eye and the consequences of ones actions. This is going to get twisted so you've been warned. THIS WILL ALSO EXPLORE EXPLICIT SEXUAL SITUATIONS AT SOME POINT. Think of it as porm with plot at times. Although this is bigger than smut... this is about trust, pain, and what it really means to be crazy. **

**Unlike Love Each Day this doesn't have one cause (like homophobia) that I'm trying to hit on... it has many. From drub abuse, homophobia, moral codes, bullying, and many more. **

**Any questions... feel free to PM me. **

**Song: Big White Room by Jessie J. You need to listen to it while reading... I am deploring you to do so.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the song Big White Room by Jessie J and I do not own Big Tine Rush.**

**Big White Room:**

I've lost track of the days that have passed. I have no idea how long I've been in here. Sitting staring at these big white walls in this big white room. Alone. I've been so alone for so long and it's not fair. I didn't do what they said I did. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I've finally learned to tune them out. They don't matter. Their words are just echoes off my soul. And at the end of the day it doesn't matter, because I'm still here, still a prisoner. They say I'm insane. Say I've lost my mind. But I think it's them that have lost their mind. Because I'm still smart. I still know right from wrong, I still know now to make clorform, and I'm still breathing. The day I lose my mind is the day I die. But then again... maybe I'm already dead. Maybe they've already killed me.

They say that I hurt him... the boy I loved. They say I raped him. The definition says, 'woman.' He's not a girl and I didn't rape him... at least I don't remember raping him.

**Rape**1: noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.

–**noun **

1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

3. statutory rape.

–**verb (used with object) **

6. to force to have sexual intercourse.

7. to plunder (a place); despoil.

8. to seize, take, or carry off by force.

–**verb (used without object) **

9. to commit rape.

I rolled onto my back, head tilting and tears falling down my face. I would never do that to anyone. Anyone, especially not him. I loved him. I loved him so much. More than anything, nothing compared to that boy. No one could compete. I'm so scared. They say you can just close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere else and all your troubles will fade. But there's nothing but darkness in this white room. He's not here... he hates me and I'll never see him or my friends again.

_What friends? You're a rapist. You're an abuser. A fag. You have no family, no friends, no anything._

_**Sitting in a big white room alone **_

_**Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down **_

_**Close my eyes to see in the dark **_

_**I feel young, broken, so so scared **_

Maybe I'm not dead. But maybe if I'm lucky they'll kill me. I got sent here after I 'raped' him. After they all got hurt and after I took the blame. I didn't want to take the blame, but it was forced upon me... I was _raped_ by blame.

That word used to send tremors through my whole body... but it doesn't anymore. It's just a word... and a word with no meaning. Because I didn't do it! And I'm not crazy. But it sure feels like it. Feels like I've lost my damn mind. Maybe this is all just a dream and I'll wake up and be _normal_. I won't be gay anymore. It's wrong.

I get punished.

They said sending me here would help me. Rid me of these feelings and the judge said it was this or prison. Where I would, undoubtedly be raped.

THAT has meaning to me. Because I didn't rape that boy... but I wasn't going to allow myself to be put into a situation like that. I wouldn't do that to myself. And I wasn't stupid.

I just didn't want to be here anymore. I can't even remember what grass feels like, what birds sound like.

I can't feel... can't see, anything but big white walls closing in on me and what's left of my sanity.

_**I don't wanna be here anymore **_

_**I wanna be somewhere else normal and free, like I used to be **_

_**But I have to stay in this big white room **_

_**With little old me **_

So here I sit. In a this room at the Sanderson Home For Boys. And I'll never escape. I stopped eating, and they're not too concerned about my weight or sunken eyes. But come visitation day... they care. Ever though no one visits. I haven't seen anyone in years. Two years... two years and I'm still sitting in this room. I'm crying again, curling my knees to my chest and tugging at my hair until I'm in agony.

I deserve this.

_Yes you do. _

I'm bad.

_Yes you are. _

Everyone hates me.

_Yes... they do_.

I'm never going to go home again... am I? I'm never going to get out of here am I?

_Shut up... rapists shouldn't talk. Gays shouldn't speak. You raped that boy... he was straight and you damaged him. So just shut up and think about what you've done._

I sob as chunks of hair are ripped from my skull.

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

I feel so sick. They put me in here because I was 'bad' and the only way I'm ever going to get out is to do something worse. I'd have to kill the guards, maybe a few inmates. They may have families, small children. I would be proving them all right. They would finally believe that I am cruel and a horrible. That slim shred of doubt that someone may have possessed would vanish and I would just be a monster.

But I'm going crazy, and I need to get out. I've never killed anyone before. Maybe I can just wait it out. Maybe I can stay forever. Maybe my friends will come back and they'll believe me. Maybe they'll love me again. Maybe _he_ will love me.

_That's a lot of maybe's baby. You're never getting out of here. You cloroformed your BEST FRIEND. You took advantage of his body while he was passed out! You put him in the hospital and then you tried to kill yourself. For someone so smart... you're pretty stupid. You left evidence, hair folicules, DNA. You're stupid because you're gay... gay people have a disconnect between their brain and their body. You just couldn't control yourself could you? You're disgusting._

But I didn't do it.

_You did. You just don't remember_.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

_**Sitting in a big white room alone **_

_**Close the door don't want the pain to come in **_

_**I clench my fist and try to stay strong **_

_**I cry, feel sick my hearts beating b-b-b-b-beating beating out of control **_

_**Can I run, run faster than you **_

_**I wanna feel my body again, feel the wind in my hair - yeah **_

_**But I have to stay in this big white room **_

_**Cuz' no one else cares no **_

I never get any letters from them. They really don't believe me and I don't blame them... there was evidence. But I was framed. I'm telling you I was framed! And they were my friends... they should have believed me. But no one did. My parents disowned me, my friends left, and _he_ testified against me.

I have to stay in this big white room... cause nobody cares about me anymore. They were my _best friends_. They knew me my whole life and still didn't believe me. It makes me stomach hurt thinking about it.

I wish I could find something sharp... just end it all. There's nothing left for me anymore. Nothing but me... and four white walls.

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

The trial was awful. Everyone looked at me, they were staring... 'look there goes the rapist. Look at the boy that betrayed his best friend. Look at the fucking fag... burn in hell you monster.'

Their words cut deep... but the slience of my friends cut deeper. Leaving large wounds and scars... ones that will never heal.

He cried on the stand about how badly I hurt him. How the cloroform wore off and he felt me tearing into his virgin body. Making him scream, bleed, and beg for mercy. Apparently... I showed him none.

But I looked him in the eyes the whole time, as he cried and told of how I raped him. I looked him in the eyes to show him that I didn't do it, and that I would never do something like that to him.

My friends each took the stand one by one and talked of how recently I had started to change... how I wasn't the same boy they grew up with. The same boy they loved. They said the fame did something to my head... drove me mad.

The only thing that drove me mad was this big white room. I can assure you I was perfectly sane before they locked me in here.

I was scared to make eye contact at the trial when they all stared at me. Those people. But now when people look at me... when they stare at me, do you know what I do?

I smile.

I'm innocent, so why shouldn't I smile. I'll be damned if I don't try and be positive. Even if all I'm ever positive about is being in this big white room.

Alone.

_**Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me **_

_**What do I do now - smile, yeah, yeah **_

_**Everybody's looking at me - everybody's staring at me **_

_**What do I do now - smile **_

They have drills here. They beat me and beat me... only caring about my _nutrition_ when it's nearing visitation day. Even though no one ever visits. They try and give me pills. Sometimes I take them sometimes I hide them and save them for a rainy day... whenever that is.

I haven't seen rain in two years.

They hurt me... having punishment sessions. There are boys of all ages here, from 7 to 17. And not all are here because they're gay. That's just me and a few others. Some kids come here because they're sociopaths and knocked their kid sister down the stairs and killed the car. Anyway, after you turn 17 you go somewhere else. But there's a dark whisper in the air that they kill you, put you down like a dog if you haven't 'reformed' by then.

I was turning 17 in two weeks.

But I refused to reform. I was gay and proud. And I got hurt for it. But as much as I could I would give them hell. And if the rumors were true and I'm going to die in two weeks then I'm going to die with dignity... proud of who I am.

Proud of myself. Proud of the fact that I had never hurt someone in my entire life, I was always the victim of bullying. Proud that I had never cheated, or stolen anything. Proud that I can say that I've never raped anyone in my life. Proud that I like that for 15 years I had some of the best friends a person could ever have

And proud that I was in love with my best friend.

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

You know they sexually assualt us here. Their moto should be the younger the better. I saw an 8-year-old getting raped just last week. I threw up my non-existant dinner all over the dirty floor. They made me lick it up until the floor shone brighter than before I vomitted on it.

When they raped you they would usually take you to their 'special time' rooms. But they did it to the kid in front of everyone half way through dinner. He was being disobediant. It was his first week and he had already proved to be trash.

That'll teach the kid never to cry for his mommy again.

The stuff they do here is sick, and I've endured plenty over the last two years. Honestly I'm hoping they'll kill me just to be free, you know?

But that doesn't mean I'm not still proud. I'm not still me. I'll always be me... I'll die being me. And it's okay. Because I've been going crazy in this big white room. And when you go crazy you don't really care about stuff anymore. The line between reality and fantasy are blurred. And in the time that I have left... there's only one thing I care about.

Finding out if I really did what they say I did. Finding out if I really _raped_ him. And I swear on my crazy head, on the madness within that I'll find out if I really deserve being in this big white room.

Knock, knock, knock. The steel door to my left opens and synthetic light floods my room.

"Logan... it's time for your meds."

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine **_

_**I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind **_

_**I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine**_

**P.S. That's the prologue for what's going to become a much darker story than Love Each Day. The song is the main influencer, but once again you know how I get when I'm sticking up for people being abused because they're gay. This isn't mainly about that though. This is about conspiracy and suspense. Finding out what's really underneath it all at the very end. I intend to bemuse and beffudle you... until you can't stand it and are **_**begging**_** me to tell you what happens next... or how it's going to end. But you'll just have to wait and see. **

**Although I will not be continuing this until Love Each Day is brought to completion. Any questions, comments, or concerns you can PM me if you like.**

**MyHeroRaven **


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